Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
