Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
