i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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