chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
