It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
