I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
