The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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