Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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