why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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