Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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