she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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