Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
