I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
