i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's always time for handjobs
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
