She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
