remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I take back everything I said about communal showers
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
