I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
