You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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