I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
