I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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