Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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