the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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