my phone needs a breathalizer
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
