he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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