spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
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