you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
