I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I think I am morally bankrupt
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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