i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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