after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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