i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
