you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
