She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
