We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
