me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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