So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
