Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
two words...techno handjob
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
