it was like his penis was on wheels.
I could make wine with my vomit
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
