I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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