He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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