dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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