I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
