My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
