What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
