break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
