I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
