the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
