I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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