Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
