I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
