he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
