You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
