dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize