I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
