rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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