I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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