I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize