her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
