my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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