She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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