Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
